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s Valentine's Day approaches, our hearts turn naturally to demonstrating our affection for those we love, those who support us in good times and bad, bring us joy and comfort, and make our lives better every day.

We're talking, of course, about our pipes. Our pipes deserve most of our recognition on Valentine's Day.

Many of us have significant others, and they're certainly worthy of a Hallmark card or a nice dinner out, but pipes deserve better than that, and the potential gifts are more interesting — things like shank brushes, stem cleaners, and savory new tobaccos. Valentine's Day is an opportunity to shower our pipes with finery and perhaps take them to a state park for a nature hike or relax at the firepit and reminisce about the great smokes we've shared over the years.

Don't mistake me for someone detached from reality just because I think pipes should receive our appreciation; there are better reasons for that presumption, best left to another time. I do not provide gifts for my pipes on Christmas, and I don't care about their birthdays. Valentine's Day is different, though. It's a day for acknowledging emotional attachment, affection, shared experiences, and gratitude. It's a day unlike any other thanks to its namesake, Saint Valentine, who was definitely a real person.

Valentine's Day is an opportunity to shower our pipes with finery

We don't know which real person, however. There are as many as a dozen martyred Valentines in Christian theological history, three of them recognized by the Catholic Church. What we have is legends, but legends are, well, legendary, so that isn't all bad. One such story is about Valentinus or Valentine — even the names are somewhat murky. This particular Valentine served the church in Rome in the third century during the rule of Emperor Claudius II, who decreed that his soldiers were no longer permitted to marry. He thought that unmarried soldiers were better soldiers.

We don't know where he got that idea. Maybe he deduced that they would have less to lose in battle and therefore fight more boldly; or that spousal disputes could damage their resolve; or maybe, like Brigadier General Jack Ripper in Dr. Strangelove, he thought they were stronger and more motivated with their precious bodily fluids undepleted. That's all speculation, though; we were unable to interview Emperor Claudius II for this article, but if he returns our messages, we'll update.

There are as many as a dozen martyred Valentines in Christian theological history

Valentine thought the decree ridiculous and continued performing marriage ceremonies for Roman soldiers. That's probably why Valentine's Day is associated with romance, and it's why Claudius became angry with Valentine. We all know how ancient Roman emperors liked to have their way. Claudius ordered Valentine's arrest and execution.

However, Valentine was charming and charismatic, and after talking with him, Claudius was inclined to give him a break. "Listen up, Valentine," he said (I personally translated this text from the original Latin, which I don't speak, so you may be sure about its accuracy). "I like you. I think you should join my court. All you gotta do is renounce that crazy Christianity you're always talking about and become a pagan like us. It's easy: make a few animal sacrifices, torture a few political prisoners to death, maybe kill a baby or two, party down with some hallucino-alcoholic beverages, and we're golden. You can live, and everyone's happy. It'll be Val and Claude on the pagan party chariot. We'll have a blast."

It didn't work out. Priests gotta evangelize; it's in their DNA. Instead of embracing an easy life of debauchery and infanticide, Valentine tried to talk Claudius into becoming a Christian. Though a convincing conversationalist, he failed. The attempt soured Claudius, and he immediately executed Valentine by having him beaten with clubs and beheaded. It was the original ugly Valentine's breakup.

Claudius was inclined to give him a break.

Other legends purport that Valentine helped Christians escape Roman prisons, and as in previous lore, Claudius was displeased about those activities and ordered his arrest. While in prison, it is told, Valentine fell in love with a young lady, perhaps the daughter of a jailor, and sent her a note, signing it, "From your Valentine." It was the first Valentine's card. However, it's not as easy to nurture a blossoming romance from the torture chamber of a third-century Roman prison as you might think, and the love story has an unhappy ending. Again, Valentine was executed. He didn't even get a first date, which is a shame considering all the action he's cultivated for the rest of us.

All of the stories end with Valentine's execution; it's a popular career move for martyrdom. Though there are no happy endings, what the tales all highlight is the romance of Valentine's life.

He most likely died around 270 A.D. His reputation as a romantic continued, and celebrations around Valentine's Day became widespread.

it's not as easy to nurture a blossoming romance from the torture chamber of a third-century Roman prison as you might think

February 14 is not, as many believe, the anniversary of Valentine's death; scholars propose that the date was chosen to supplant and Christianize the pagan celebration of Lupercalia, held on the 15th of February. Lupercalia was much different from current Valentine's Days and was filled with violent and bloody animal sacrifice and sexual wantonness, including random copulation to repel evil spirits and promote fertility.

During Lupercalia, the city's unmarried women placed their names in an urn from which the bachelors randomly selected a partner. The new couples would spend a year together, occasionally resulting in marriage. It was the analog version of Tinder.

the date was chosen to supplant and Christianize the pagan celebration of Lupercalia

Valentine's Day may have been strategically placed by the church to replace this pagan ritual, but we don't know for sure. The date was made official in the sixth century, when Lupercalia was banned by the church, and has remained on February 14 since. Significantly, Valentine's Day has been celebrated for 1,500 years.

Valentine's Day has become an occasion for recognizing affection, and we all love our pipes, so don't forget them. Aside from romance, Saint Valentine is the patron saint of beekeepers, so in remembering our pipes on this day, tobaccos containing honey may be most appropriate. Sun Bear springs immediately to mind if you have any squirreled away, but there are many others, like Cornell & Diehl's Milk & Honey, Sutliff's B26 Dark Honey & Berry Cavendish, and 206 Honey. All would make terrific gifts for your favorite pipes.

Saint Valentine is the patron saint of beekeepers

Valentine's Day cards have traditionally been delivered by mail, so another appropriate gift might be Erik Stokkebye 4th Generation's leather pipe carrier in the mailbag style. Whatever gifts you may choose for your pipes, they will be appreciative and reward you with exceptionally remarkable smokes through the coming year. Or, if your pipes have been particularly affectionate and provided memorable experiences, you might take them traveling to England, to the abbey of New Minster, Winchester, where a relic of Saint Valentine himself rests, proving that he was as real as the sentiments that his name continues to provide through the modern age.

Bibliography

• History of Valentine's Day, January 19, 2024, History.com.