Research into nicotine absorption has recently revealed some astonishing insights relevant to those of us who enjoy pipe tobacco. A major study conducted at Growlingspann University in Sweden, under the leadership of Dr. Chamberlain Westcott and Dr. Imelda Boystenstein, has found that nicotine enters the bloodstream of smokers at different rates and concentrations according to the ignition sources employed.

Preliminary findings indicate that the ignition type used for tobacco can increase or decrease absorption by as much as 5mg of nicotine higher or lower. Additionally, the ignition type can actually alter the nicotine molecule for unanticipated effects. Part of the equation is temperature, but there are other factors at work as well, including the constituent makeup of the ignition source, though these factors are not yet fully understood and continue to be studied.

What's particularly interesting is that the research has been conducted with pipes.

"We found that experimenting with different ignition sources worked best with pipes," says Dr. Westcott. "It's more accurate to take these measurements using consistent tobacco chamber sizes and smoke channel diameters."

"We're also measuring levels for nicotine absorbed through the mucus membrane instead of inhaled into the lungs," says Dr. Boystenstein, "so pipe smokers have been more appropriate study subjects. We considered cigars, but for now, we're primarily interested in maintaining consistency."

While experiments with meerschaum and corn cob pipes are anticipated, at this early stage only briar pipes have been measured. "We anticipate that different mediums in conjunction with ignition types will have an effect," says Westcott, "but those experiments will have to wait until our next research grant. As you may imagine, funding is a challenge."

Westcott and Boystenstein have so far discovered that butane lighters provide a neutral baseline with little alteration to the nicotine. However, various lower-temperature applications can provide a dramatic effect.

Regular wooden matches, for example, actually change the chemical bonds of nicotine in a cascading effect that increases absorption throughout the entire bowl, whereas cedar spills reduce nicotine absorption. The working hypothesis for that effect is that the chemical makeup of cedar changes a portion of the nicotine to nicotyrine, while generic wooden matches tend to bond nicotine with nomicotyrine, another tobacco alkaloid, increasing absorption by an average of 4mg of nicotine.

at this early stage only briar pipes have been measured.

When non-traditional ignition sources are employed, the results can be surprising. When matches are impregnated with Warnstoff's peat moss, for example, some of the nicotine transmutes into methylmosomine, a molecule related to nicotine that acts as a digestive aid promoting increased hunger. Igniting with juniper moss delivers nomonicotine, which can unexpectedly modify eye color over time. It seems that by altering the ignition source, the nicotine that any particular tobacco delivers will change and in some cases can modify the subject's genome. "The use of these elements for ignition," says Boystenstein, "seems to reconfigure the molecular structure of nicotine in such a way as to modify DNA."

Ignition with pezizomycotina fungi promotes hair growth on the extremities of subjects. "More experimentation here," says Westcott, "could lead to the cure for male pattern baldness, but of course, we're years away from smoking as a baldness remedy. Right now we're seeing only very hairy toes."

"Even more interesting," says Boystenstein, "is the result from ignition with polynosic fibers, which increase cell regeneration in the optic nerve and even provide recognition of colors previously imperceptible. Subjects have revealed the perception of light wavelengths traditionally invisible to the species. It's tempting to say that smoking may one day be the cure for blindness."

generic wooden matches tend to bond nicotine with nomicotyrine,

Some ignition sources promote less dramatic changes. "Olefin fibers," says Westcott, "have altered the musical preferences in subjects, usually from jazz to country. Matches infused with bohrium have changed subjects' fingernail color to blue/green. The effect of darmstadtium is a sudden heightened ability to breakdance."

"Of possible interest to nuclear power research," says Boystenstein, "is that tobacco ignited with einsteinium promotes resistance to high levels of radiation. When those subjects are exposed to level-five radiation for extended periods, they seem to enjoy it. They barely tan."

Humans are not subjected to those highest levels of radiation. That will come later. So far, all of Westcott's and Boystenstein's research has been conducted with mice. "The hardest part," says Westcott, "was commissioning 1,000 miniature pipes from workshops around the world."

we're years away from smoking as a baldness remedy.

"The second-hardest part," says Boystenstein, "was fashioning headgear for mice that would hold a pipe for them. Even uneducated non-scientists probably recognize that mice don't have opposable thumbs. They are also resistant to wearing the headgear but come around after they've enjoyed their pipes for a while."

"It's invigorating to see 1,000 mice in their habitat, all smoking pipes," says Westcott. "The ignition sources protrude from the walls of the enclosure and are activated by levers that the mice can use at will, so they're able to relight whenever their pipes go out."

The evolution of social interaction in the mice has also been noted. Westcott reports that after a few days, the mice are found to build their own personal preferences. About 80% of the mice have been found to trade pipes with other mice, some gravitating to pipes made in Italian workshops, others preferring those made in North America, and others Denmark, England, or Ireland.

Matches infused with bohrium have changed subjects' fingernail color to blue/green.

"They gather in social circles and seem to compare notes about their individual pipes," says Westcott. "It's a clear indication that intelligence levels are rising in the experimental mouse population."

During the course of the study, 200 mice escaped by burning a hole in a wall of their enclosure and hiding it with a paper mache covering that they constructed by chewing the wood shavings provided as bedding. "There was a large group that left every night and returned by morning," says Boystenstein. "We didn't discover it until a local tobacco shop called us with a captured mouse. Luckily, the mouse pipes are stamped with the name of our laboratory." The mice had been visiting the tobacconist nightly and bringing back different pipe tobaccos to distribute among their friends.

Even uneducated non-scientists probably recognize that mice don't have opposable thumbs.

"When we start human testing, our findings could have large implications," says Westcott. The simple application of different ignition sources could prove that pipe smoking is the future not only of mice but of the entire human race. When a bowl of tobacco can alter our DNA to provide better vision and hearing, more attractive hair, and higher intelligence, it will truly be the golden age of pipe smoking.